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The SCAnner Online
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| Editor’s Note |
Welcome to another issue of the SCAnner. This issue
features a report on the ISO Conference held in Chicago in February 2000,
a report on the first Chicago/Mid West Conference, and a report on the
Annual New York Conference. John C from NJ shares his strength hope and
experience in My Story. From the Archives of the very first SCAnner Editor
Richard K (LA) I managed to rescue two articles, one a collection of
members’ reflections on Recovery and the other, some reflections on the
Characteristics and beyond.
This issue is devoted to the 14 Characteristics. The 14 Characteristics
have not been written about at all in any of our literature, yet they
represent one of the corner stones of our fellowship. These writing on the
Characteristics are not finite by any means, so much more can and
hopefully will be written about this seminal aspect of our program, but
they certainly are as a very exciting beginning.
This of the SCAnner commemorates 10 years of the SCAnner. The first issue
of the SCAnner came out on February 9, 1990. Due to circumstances beyond
my control, the issue scheduled to come out at this time commemorating the
10th Anniversary has had to be delayed till the end of this year. It will
be a very exciting issue featuring interviews with founding members from
around the country recounting how SCA began in their city. It is an issue
not to be missed. In the meantime, please enjoy reading about the
Characteristics.
You can also find the SCAnner on the Web at:
http://www.sca-recovery.org/scanner
Yours in Recovery,
David A-S Editor
|
ISO Conference, February 2000 by John F. (NY) |
The SCA ISO Conference took place in Chicago,
Illinois from February 25 to February 27, 2000. Ninety-five meetings were
represented out of 147 worldwide. Present in Chicago were representatives
from LA, New York, Chicago, Milwaukee, Phoenix, Washington DC, San
Francisco and San Diego.
Literature
A formal literature approval process was adopted and a new position
Literature Development Coordinator was created. "Measuring and Celebrating
Progress" was put out as literature in draft form, and that in 2001 will
be voted up or down in its current form with only minor revisions. The SCA
Book was delegated to the Literature Development Coordinator and it was
suggested that a piece on the Characteristics might serve as a starting
point. Corrections on "What About Masturbation?" were submitted to the
Literature Development Coordinator for final feedback and suggestions.
Credit Card Transactions
The use of credit cards to buy literature on the SCA Web site was
approved.
Up-coming expenses
A balanced budget was accepted. There are major future expenses in the
works, Reprinting the Little Blue Book. The original printing cost several
thousand dollars, and a reprinting would exceed our entire annual budget.
Our stock will run out in the next year or so.
Inter Fellowship Forum
ISO agreed to sponsor the Inter-Fellowship Forum every fifth year,
starting in 2001, and to present itself at the parole and probation
officers' national convention next year presuming that the costs do not
exceed $200, and in conjunction with other "S" fellowships if they are
participating.
Election of Officers
The Position of Vice Chair was eliminated
Chair, Frank T, Chicago, term expires 2001
Secretary, Frank H, New York, term expires 2002
Treasurer, Brian B, San Francisco/Vermont, term expires 2001
National Coordinator, Michael R, Los Angeles, term expires 2001
Literature Distribution, Paul N, Milwaukee, , term expires 2001
Literature Development, Joe F, New York, term expires 2002
SCAnner Editor, David A-S, New York, term expires 2001
800 number, Todd R, Chicago, term expires 2002
Electronic Communications, Rod F, Washington, term expires 2002
The 2001 ISO meeting will be held in San Diego. The 2002 meeting will be
held in Phoenix if feasible; with St. Louis as a backup site, with a final
decision next year.
| 2000 Proposed Budget | |
| INCOME | |
| 7th Tradition | $4,000.00 |
| Donations | |
| Literature-Sale | $6,500.00 |
| Scanner-Sale | |
| TOTAL INCOME | $10,500.00 |
| EXPENSES | |
| Literature | $4,000.00 |
| >reprint Q & A | $400.00 |
| >reprint some piece | $500.00 |
| >transaction fees for credit card | $350.00 |
| >postage | $750.00 |
| >reserve for reprinting Blue Book | $2,000.00 |
| Phone | $2,360.00 |
| >800 # | $1,800.00 |
| >voice mail | $260.00 |
| >add Spanish to voicemail | $300.00 |
| ISO Meeting | $1,550.00 |
| >meeting space | $900.00 |
| >travel | $250.00 |
| >printing & postage | $400.00 |
| Scanner >print | $500.00 |
| IF Meeting | $500.00 |
| #NAME? | $250.00 |
| >other travel | $250.00 |
| 800 Coordinator | $400.00 |
| >phone | $200.00 |
| >postage | $200.00 |
| Website | $260.00 |
| >registration | $35.00 |
| >rent server space | $225.00 |
| Bank Charges | $200.00 |
| >service charge | $180.00 |
| >other (bounced checks) | $20.00 |
| National Coordinator | $50.00 |
| >supplies | $25.00 |
| >postage | $25.00 |
| Treasurer –postage | $30.00 |
| One-time Expenses | $950.00 |
| >IRS registration | $150.00 |
| >initiating credit card sales | $500.00 |
| >prison outreach convention | $200.00 |
| >mail archives | $100.00 |
| TOTAL EXPENSES | $10,800.00 |
Conference Reports
Chicago Midwest Conference October 23 and 24 1999
The First Chicago Midwest Conference took place on October 23 and 24 at
the Student Union Building at the University of Illinois Medical School.
Members from Chicago, Milwaukee and St Louis gave workshops. Bill L one of
the founders of SCA in New York and Jim M one of the founders of SCA in St
Louis spoke at the opening meeting.
There were three simultaneous workshops and sessions over a day and a
half. One room was set aside for an on-going “S” meeting and was open to
all “S” meetings in Chicago. Workshop topics included Meditation,
Sponsorship, Dating and Relationships, Step 9, Step 4, I Can’t Stay Sober
and Stay the Same & I Can’t Stay the Same and Stay Sober.
27 people attended the Conference. It is not clear at this stage if there
will be another one. The most difficult part was getting a place to have
the conference. The university building was ideal with large rooms, break
out rooms, parking and easily accessible. The conference did not make any
money. In fact it lost $200, but there were sufficient funds to cover the
costs.
New York SCA Conference, May 19-21
The 15th Annual SCA New York Conference took place the weekend before
Memorial Day Weekend at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center Swing Space
on Little West 12th Street. It was a cold and wet weekend in New York but
that didn’t stop the crowds from attending. The opening meeting focused on
the Founding Fathers of SCA. Founding Members Bill L, Frank H and Saul M
spoke about the beginnings of SCA to a capacity filled auditorium. The
three speakers were subsequently presented with plaques of appreciation
for their efforts in establishing what is today SCA worldwide. A call for
donations was made to erect a permanent plaque to the Founding Members of
SCA in the renovated Gay and Lesbian Center when that re-opens hopefully
later this year. By the end of the weekend, enough money was raised to
erect the permanent plaque.
This year’s conference was titled On the Road: Reclaiming Our Selves in
Recovery. It had four tracks: Finding directions, Starting your Engine, On
the Road and Seeing the World. Among the workshops there were such things
as: Setting and Maintaining Boundaries, All about Dating, Don’t Cal it
Friendship (all about relationships within program), Self Esteem the Real
Thing, Wholly Sex!, Home Cooking: Sex in a Committed Relationship. This
conference also features the first workshop in Spanish.
On Sunday night the Conference Show was a reworking of Grease and called
Grace. It featured some wonderful cameo appearances by Sponsor Barbara S
(Jeff) who did an unforgettable rendition of People Who Need People.
| My Story |
John C (NJ)
When the pain of my addictive cycle and isolation was greater than the
fear of being rejected and judged, I reached out about my sexual and
romantic patterns to a person who, at that point, had become a most
trusted friend. This person was the first friend I had made who was in
active recovery, or the first person in active recovery from whom I
learned of recovery, and it was she who let me know about this program. I
was experiencing a whirlpool of destructive behavior. I describe this as a
pattern alternating viciously from feeling so unlovable and seeking
approval from anyone and everyone to being so frightened by my ever more
dangerous promiscuity that I was desperate to find a “special” someone to
take me away from my insane behavior. Outside of a relationship, I felt
empty and incomplete. Incomplete because I couldn’t live with myself as I
had such little tolerance for dealing with life on life’s terms, either
when it was wonderful or difficult. Empty because my life was a sham. I
was an image I presented to those around me as I felt I “should” be. I
hated myself for the terrifying difference between the person I was and
the person I wanted myself to be. To the words “outside a relationship I
felt empty and incomplete” I feel compelled to add the word “lonely”. I
was lonely because I didn’t know how to be by myself, because I didn’t
want to be by myself. Secretly, I believed no one would really want to be
with me if they really knew what I was about. I was lonely by myself, and
lonely with everyone I was with both when I was acting out and when I
wasn’t. No one knew who I was, because I was afraid of the world.
I feared relationships, but continually searched for one. In all my
relationships, I feared abandonment and rejection. Fear seems to be the
operative word behind all my interactions prior to recovery. As a survivor
of incest, I had the textbook “damaged goods” syndrome. At first I felt I
was beyond acceptance because I was attracted to people of the same sex.
Obviously, other boys must have had feelings similar to mine that went
beyond the physical acts that went along with the sexual attraction, but
to me it seemed as if I was the only one who had these feelings. All my
acting out as a child was about trying to get boys to be sexual with me in
the middle of the night during a sleepover, and the few times it wasn’t
about a dream-like interruption to sleep, the acting out was completely
characterized by lack of communication. The one time someone tried to talk
to me about having sex with him, I froze up and couldn’t talk about it. I
can distinctly remember the point in my life when I came to terms with the
fact that I couldn’t change my feelings of attraction towards other men. I
had, up to that point, tried and tried to change, and then my sexuality,
to me, became a secret I was going to take with me to the grave. By
college, when I learned a little more about homosexuality, I still felt
the terror of abandonment and rejection. I began to make gay friends but
would not allow myself to get too close to anyone because of how “sick” I
judged myself to be, due to my judgement of my childhood and my lack of
self-esteem. As I attempted to have “relationships” I was terrified of
opening up and of having sex. For a long time, anonymous sex was “better”
than sex with people I was dating. It has taken me years in recovery and
therapy to be able to link the word “fear” with that reality.
Not surprisingly to me, it has been the “laboratory” of the “halls” or the
“rooms” of recovery that has, ever so slowly, taught me to act “through”
or “beyond” my fears, as opposed to acting them out. My recovery has
taught me to stop judging myself so, to be less “moral” and more honest
and true to myself and to all people with whom it seems appropriate to be
honest. I am still a “work in progress” , “under construction” you may
say, as I continue to catch myself judging myself and others. But my
relationships in program, particularly sponsor relationships, have helped
me learn that I am completely lovable exactly as I am. I am learning to
get out of the judgements of my past and the wish lists for the future and
keep the focus on the present. I am comforted when I hear people saying
that all any of us have for today is today. I no longer have secrets I
feel I need to keep from the world. Recovery has been the one place I
could learn to be myself with others.
Today, I find myself in a “relationship”, and as with all my relationships
in recovery, I choose to be honest one day at a time with my partner. This
has proven harder to me than it sounds. In recovery, I tell myself to
focus on the present, while the old patterns continue to push me into
fantasies and fears about the future. I work on accepting myself as the
imperfect but lovable child of God that I am, and more importantly, I
allow myself to accept that my partner can love me as well. I try to
accept him as he is, which has been a pattern of struggle for me in the
past, due to my character defect of perfectionism. Every day of sobriety
is a blessing to me when I stop to think about it, and so is this
relationship. My recovery has helped me let go of my fears of
relationships, to learn how to have them, and to focus on my recovery and
not on relationships. All these lessons most definitely are a gift from a
Power greater than myself and as I allow it to happen, are restoring me to
sanity one day at a time.
|
Recovery Is…… Assembled by Richard K. (LA) |
Many of our members have voiced their feelings about
recovery and what it means to them, at retreats, at meetings, and at
fellowship after meetings. Here are some of their thought and feelings
Recovery is... ...building up trust, sitting back and listening to others'
stories at meetings, then letting out our feelings and our stories and our
hurts a little at a time, experiencing the positive feedback and love of
those around us...
...letting go of our shame by openly discussing our problems and our
hidden history with those around us who understand...
...being gentle with ourselves, we've beat ourselves up enough in our
lives; we need to know we're OK where we are at the moment and just do the
very best we can for today...
...picking up the phone rather than acting out, beginning to break the
isolation which feeds our dis-ease...
...sharing
...knowing we have a choice in each and every thing we do, always, and
taking full responsibility for the outcome of each choice we make...
...living in today, this moment, rather than in the expectations of the
future; no expectations means no disappointments...
...seeing the spiritual in a person, rather than, or in addition to the
physical...
...knowing we are NEVER alone, even when we are by ourselves….
...being honest, with God, with ourselves, with our significant others and
with each and every one we come in contact with...
...being willing to be willing, willing to listen, to be there for
someone, to come to meetings when we don't want to, to evaluate our
choices, to postpone acting out until another time, to love ourselves...
...forgiving ourselves when we get caught up in obsessions, or ogling a
sharp number a little too long, a little too hungrily, or even for acting
out...
..singing familiar, happy songs at the top of our voices while walking
through the hills with a group of friends and not feeling ashamed...
...being of service to the Fellowship and to the community, in small ways
and in larger ways...
...being able to talk to a person about the obsessions or fantasies we
have about them, face to face, openly, honesty, without acting on them,
and experiencing the freeing "defusing" of a compulsion...
...sitting on the top of a hill when the sun is rising and feeling the
tears well up in our eyes and thanking God for all the beauty around us...
...being totally free to laugh and to cry and to laugh again, openly,
without fear or shame, at a meeting, over the phone, with a friend...
...getting in touch with our bodies, not just our genitals, but our whole
selves, lovingly caressing ourselves all over, realizing just how
beautiful our bodies are...
...letting go, a little at a time, of being in control, being critical and
manipulative, being judgmental; allowing room in our consciousness for
compassion, acceptance, respect and love, for all those around us, and, so
importantly, for ourselves...
...loving ourselves, knowing that we are really so very worthwhile.
| The Characteristics | |
| Characteristic 1 |
As adolescents,
we used fantasy and compulsive masturbation to avoid feelings, and
continued this tendency into our adult lives with compulsive sex
Aaron Y (NY)
Compulsive masturbation was absolutely the beginning of my problems with
compulsive behavior, and it started even before puberty for me. My older
brother discovered my father’s cache of pornography and told me about it,
so that even before I was fully developed sexually (I was probably 12 or
13) I was exposed to these incredibly potent sexual images (only some of
it was hard core, but that was enough). It was also at that time when I
realized that I was spending a lot more of the time looking at the guys
than the girls, though both turned me on.
Well, I was off and running. I was always masturbating. Whereas up to that
point I used to read lots of books, suddenly I was gobbling up these
magazines. And, importantly, all of this activity was extremely furtive
and filled with tension, because I had always to be ready on a second’s
notice to put back these magazines exactly as they were if I heard someone
coming home.
This also became, I think, my way of misbehaving and rebelling and just
generally zoning out. I was always, always well behaved, cheery, the model
student, the popular guy, the teacher’s pet. But I must have been tense,
sad, and angry at times in ways I wanted to express. But with a few rare
exceptions, I don’t really remember lots of really strong emotions, or at
least expressing them to or at others. But I do remember masturbating
endlessly. It was absolutely a way to get out of myself, to take a break
from whatever pressures I did have. And because my mind was so full with
these pornographic images of people I didn’t know, I was almost always
fantasizing about unobtainable people (and their assorted delectable body
parts, of course!).
This pattern continued once I left home for college, first just with
masturbation. I remember that at the end of semester in college, and later
in grad school, when I had the enormous pressure of exams and papers due,
that my masturbation was out of control. I would do it again and again and
again, and it was absolutely a way of escaping from the pressure and the
tension I was feeling. Later on, when I had my first job in New York and I
had graduated on to bigger and better things, long, pressure-filled weeks
would be punctuated by late-night visits to peep booths, no matter how
much else I had to do. Alternately, I would whip out my scraps of paper
with names and numbers scribbled on them, try to remember who these tricks
were and whether I’d had a good time, and dial away until I found someone
ready, willing and able, as they say.
I don’t want this testimony to be entirely negative. I absolutely still
have problems with using masturbation and sex to avoid feelings. But I’ve
made a lot of progress. For me, acknowledging, describing and beginning to
understand a problem is the beginning of dealing with it. Now, for one, I
admit I have a problem with this. Second, I know how to describe and
recognize it, so that when it’s starting to happen, it is happening, or
has just happened, I can spot it. If I’m lucky and vigilant, I can even
see the behaviors or conditions that are leading to it (HALT, high
pressure, etc), and maybe even take some steps to avoid it, diminish it,
stop it. Sometimes I can, some times I can’t. But that’s still much better
than before, when I wasn’t even aware of the depth of the problem. And
with a handful of exceptions, since I entered SCA two-and-half years ago,
at least I don’t end up in the filthy theaters and bookstores that
produced so much shame; my acting out is at least less self-loathing and
self-destructive. Finally, I need to recognize that I need to look for
progress, not perfection, and that this takes time. For over 20 years I’ve
been compulsive sexually, so these patterns run deep. Patience is not
something most addicts have a lot of, including me, but I need to
recognize that I’m still really just starting out on the road to recovery.
| Characteristic 2 |
Compulsive sex
became a drug which we used to escape from feelings such as anxiety,
loneliness, anger and self-hatred, as well as joy
UT (NY)
I was not fully aware, until I came to SCA, how I had slowly come to use
compulsive sex as a drug and that sex had replaced my former dependence on
alcohol as my “escape of choice”. It took coming to meetings and listening
to other sex addicts struggling with sexual compulsion to understand the
full implications of the second characteristic.
Prior to my first meeting, I thought that I was just “having fun”, that
after many years spent in two consecutive monogamous relationships, I was
finally sowing my “wild oats”, not realizing that I was merely avoiding
feelings by acting out my compulsion. My sponsor in another twelve step
program pointed out to me (more than once) that my sexual behavior was out
of control. Finally, I began to grasp that I had traded one addiction for
another, and in fact that my sexual compulsion might have always been at
the root of all of my addictions.
When I came to SCA, I didn’t think the behavior that I was engaging in at
the time was so terrible. I was “dating” three different men, none of whom
knew of each other, acting out in video booths three or four times a week,
going to a bath house a couple of times a month and picking people up on
the street whenever possible.
I was working very, very hard not to feel the feelings that had surfaced
in the three years that I’d been sober from drugs and alcohol. For many
years I had sustained relationships and though I can now see that I acted
out within them sexually, at the time my preferred method of escape was
alcohol and drugs. But once I put those down, and also ended my
relationship with my lover, I found myself quickly in the grips of almost
daily sexual acting out. Obviously it didn’t work for long. The pain of
living that way while trying to apply the principles of a twelve step
program “to all of my affairs” and attempting to establish a conscious
contact with a higher power became unbearable, and fortunately SCA was
there to help me pick up the pieces.
The second characteristic is important to me because it implies that my
sexual “acting out” behavior is a compulsion, a “dis-ease” as it were,
which continues to tell me that I don’t have to feel, that I can numb
myself and escape the difficulties of life through sex. The first key to
awareness, acceptance and action for me was coming to meetings. The
second, continuing to look at my behavior and committing to recovery.
The urge to act out sexually is still with me unfortunately, sometimes
stronger, sometimes weaker. I find that if I talk about it with other
addicts and sexual compulsives in meetings and in fellowship, I have a
chance at sobriety. On my own, I will be led right back into acting out
the way I did almost three years ago when I first came to SCA.
Now I find that different feelings come up for me and that I continue to
find ever more creative ways to suppress them whether it be flirting on a
subway, using wet areas of my gym or the now so popular Internet chat
areas. Continuing to look at the second characteristic and applying the
tools of the program to these new trouble spots helps me stay sober one
day at a time.
| Characteristic 3 |
We tended to
become immobilized by romantic obsessions. We became addicted to the
search for sex and love; as a result we neglected our lives.
Jeff Z (NY)
When I decided to write about Characteristic 3, I joked with the editor of
this publication that "I would probably be late submitting my article
because I'd be immobilized by a Romantic Obsession!" We laughed about this
possibility and I promptly forgot about it. Now, at least thirty days past
our agreed upon deadline, it's hard for me to share that I've been
struggling with an RO (Romantic Obsession) once again, one that surfaced
quite unexpectedly. More accurately, I've been trying to NOT go into
full-tilt RO mode in hopes that I might actually learn why it is I have
obsessions in the first place and also salvage a friendship with someone
who I have come to know and dearly love. So it has been in this struggle
that I've gotten acquainted with that part of myself that goes bonkers in
emotionally intimate relationships. I call it THE LOVE MONSTER.
But before I discuss THE LOVE MONSTER, I need to share a little history
about my relationship with my friend who also happens to be in this
program. We met innocently enough about a year ago at the train station
after a Sunday night meeting. We had seen each other at the meeting and he
approached me in a sincere and friendly way. As we chatted, I learned that
we had a lot in common with our respective addictions. He was a newcomer
at the time and I felt honored that he respected the nearly six years I
had invested in recovery related work. I have to admit that when I meet a
prospective RO, I usually have it all plotted out in my little mind where
I think things should go from the minute I meet the person. It felt great
to meet someone with whom I felt a genuine kinship with who I had no crazy
attraction to. I mean NONE, especially not a sexual / romantic one.
Besides, he was in the middle of a very difficult relationship and I have
a pretty strict rule about getting involved in love affairs with people
who are in relationships: I don't.
So, things progressed as they will with good friendships. We started
spending some time together after meetings and eventually started
socializing outside of the rooms and, for the most part, really enjoyed
each other's company. Sure, there were a few miscommunications here and
there and a disappointment or two along the way, but I felt a healthy bond
of friendship developing between two very different individuals. We made a
commitment to be honest with each other early on in our friendship and
that decision made the bumpy parts a lot easier to navigate. I was
starting to feel like I was cured! At last I was capable of a mutually
loving and supportive friendship with another gay man without all of the
usual craziness that I know I'm capable of. But then he did the
unthinkable, he broke up with his boyfriend and to my little confused mind
became "available". And that's basically when all hell broke loose and THE
LOVE MONSTER came for a visit and tried to destroy everything.
The MONSTER announced itself slowly at first and in subtle ways. I noticed
my anxiety level rising when I spent time around my friend, something that
I never had problems with in the past. I noticed that I wasn't cleaning my
apartment so often and I all but stopped balancing my checkbook. I noticed
a vague, overheated quality developing in me during my conversations with
him. I noticed myself planning my life around him and his availability. I
noticed myself anxiously waiting for his phone calls. I noticed myself
dialing *67 so he wouldn't be able to trace that I had called him by
dialing *69. I noticed myself thinking I wanted to kiss him. I noticed
that I wanted to act out sexually after spending time with him. Then the
worst happened: I started having fantasies about him, including sexual
ones. Slowly and almost imperceptibly, I was once again inching my way
towards complete immobilization and total self-neglect. But this was my
friend! Why on earth was this happening?
And now here's where things can start to really get out of hand. If I
follow the usual script, the one that requires me to alienate the other
person by driving them totally nuts with tons of (unwanted) attention, I
would have already been planning vacations, have bought very expensive
presents, and have concocted such a ripe fantasy that reality could hardly
compare. There's a REASON why they call them Harlequin Romances and I
usually get to play the fool. I was (finally) able to see that I was
involving another person in my insanity, someone whose friendship I
cherished. I was slowly able to collect myself and muster up the courage
to do something I never, ever tried to do in the past I asked him if we
could talk about it. And he said yes.
I have to admit that this was probably one of the most painful things I've
ever had to do in recovery. I asked my friend about a million times if it
was OK to talk and he calmly said “You’re my friend and you’re not alone
in this” (I damn well better NOT be alone! We're going to be fighting some
monster after all!) He knew me well enough to know that something was
upsetting me and felt that our friendship was strong enough to weather any
storm. So we talked. I must admit, part of me was relieved and grateful
for the opening to just let this stuff out and another part wanted to
absolutely murder him. At long last I would have to face up to that aspect
of myself that goes on search and destroy missions in just about every
intimate relationship I've ever had and really see what the patterns were
that I was “acting out” of. And that's when the miracle happened. A few
days after we spoke I realized that there is a part of me that is a sad,
lonely little boy who always wanted friends and companions his whole life
but wasn't ever allowed to have them. And then I realized that I had been
listening to and obeying this scary voice in my head for a long time that
basically said “YOU CAN'T LOVE ANYONE BUT ME, NOT EVEN YOURSELF, AND IF
YOU EVEN THINK OF IT YOU'LL DIE!” It was THE LOVE MONSTER!!! Then I had
the most painfully obvious realization of all: THE LOVE MONSTER was my
mother and I had lived in a state of paralyzing fear and self-neglect to
appease her needy demands for most of my life. It all started to make
sense. OF COURSE I would make up love fantasies, even about people I cared
for. I wasn't allowed real connections with anyone else (my father in
particular, but that's a whole other topic) so I MADE THEM UP to prove
again and again that I wasn't worthy of anyone's love but hers, a love
that was never forthcoming anyway. THE LOVE MONSTER usually got the best
of things and I have a long, long list of failed relationships to prove
this. (I will spare you the list, but I must admit that the other side
benefit to all of this is that I have a much greater appreciation of
Norman Bates in Psycho. But I digress).
I have to say that the aftermath of confronting this issue head-on has
been very difficult and excruciatingly painful. I have had to confront a
lifetime of self-imposed loneliness and feel (and cry and cry and cry) my
way through it. I have had to admit that loneliness is both the engine and
fuel for most of my addictions, especially romantic obsessions. Another
layer of the recovery onion has fallen away, and I feel more vulnerable
and exposed than I have in ages. The good news is that my friend and I are
still friends and this sober action not only salvaged the friendship but
deepened our relationship tremendously. I no longer have to live in some
insane fear that if I admit that I love him very much (which I really do)
that I will die. I honor and respect the gifts as well as the limits of
this very intimate relationship. I'm glad that THE LOVE MONSTER is no
longer ruling my life. I'm glad that I can genuinely love both myself and
this wonderful human being who is my friend. It feels terrific. (Now if I
could only stop crying...)
| Characteristic 4 |
We sought
oblivion in fantasy and masturbation, and lost ourselves in compulsive
sex. Sex became a reward, punishment, distraction and time-killer.
Paul McD (NY)
In Hope and Recovery it says we tried to determine “when we crossed that
invisible line”. For me, that happened when I discovered masturbation. I
took to masturbation and fantasy like a fish to water. In fact,
masturbation and fantasy overtook my life very quickly. Early on, it was
more of a security blanket that I turned to when I felt anxious or upset.
And, with two alcoholic parents, I was anxious and upset most of the time.
They say that sex addiction is a progressive disease and this has
certainly been true for me. After eight years of masturbation and fantasy,
I added live people to the mix. My first experience took place in a public
restroom and I can remember the adrenaline rush like it was yesterday (it
was 16 years ago). Deep down I knew and feared that I was not in control
of my urges and was completely powerless over my feelings and actions
around anonymous sex. The foundation was laid in my early years with
masturbation and fantasy.
I did not stop masturbating and fantasizing after I began having
compulsive sex with strangers instead it intensified. One provided fuel
for the other and it became a vicious cycle. At this point, sex was not
pleasurable it became an overused tool to help me deal with life's ups and
downs. For instance, getting good grades, a promotion, or not getting them
was reason enough to act out. Free time was always my mortal enemy. Even
as a child time was scary. Thoughts filled my head if I was not
preoccupied with an issue or activity. If I did not act out, I had to
spend much of my time thinking of other ways to stay busy in order to
avoid my feelings, so acting out was a faster, and quicker solution. In
fact, it eventually became automatic, a habitual act. Interestingly,
acting out no longer stopped my pain, but instead became the source of my
pain.
This is when I found program (or program found me). I simply could not
continue that way of life. I had to take some serious action to get
control of my sex life. Or so I thought. Ironically, we learn that
admitting our powerlessness and lack of control over sexual compulsion is
the only way to get a daily reprieve from this horrible disease. I am
happy to say that with the help of the program and other sex addicts in
recovery, I have been able to stay sober on my plan, one day at a time,
for over five years.
| Characteristic 5 |
Because of our
low self-esteem we used sex to feel validated and complete.
Paul W (NY)
While considering this characteristic, I realized that I have felt
incomplete most of my life. I continue to struggle in recovery with
negative tapes that tell me I am not enough, have no value and without the
attentions of men I am not alive. Prior to actually seeking and having sex
with men I endlessly compared myself, especially to men I was attracted
to. As I grew up I felt lonely, isolated, different, in danger, and
ultimately like a freak. I was afraid of boys my own age. I learned very
early on that I had to hide my difference. Hiding myself is how my shame
and low self-esteem began. I began a relentless search for a mirror;
someone I could see myself in. I was trying to find out who I was, how to
live. I hid myself deeper when I realized that I was attracted physically
to men. I feared I would be abandoned or killed if this were found out. My
shame and self-loathing grew because of my physical attractions. To
explain my difference I turned in upon myself and decided I was bad. The
whole world could not be wrong there must be something “not right” about
me. I became obsessed with this “not rightness” always looking for ways to
fix myself, praying to God to fix me. Because I could not change my
insides my “lack of fit” I explained this by attacking my appearance and
attributes. Therefore, I was unattractive, poorly dressed and
unintelligent. I disparately attempted to shrink my low self-esteem with
external solutions. I clung to the belief that if I could just move like
him, dress like him, talk like him then I would be “right”, I would fit
in. Of course no matter what I did, how I changed the outsides, inside I
still felt invisible and incomplete.
I first had sex with a man at age thirteen, and ironically, sex saved my
life. I felt power, less alone and attractive even desirable. This “power”
felt good, to a budding addict, I returned to the same public place the
same day to test my power again; and another man wanted me. Slowly I came
to realize that I was as replaceable to these men as they were to me; my
denial was long lasting and powerful. I lived on the attention and sex
manipulated and demanded out of many men for many years. Nothing lasted
although there were times that I attempted relationships. Ultimately it
always fell apart because I could not tolerate anyone getting close to
what I really thought and felt about myself. I feared I was truly
worthless, at the core a bad person. I was increasingly more self-critical
and self-centered. I had to act out more to keep feeling powerful and
desirable and at the same time my shame and self-loathing grew because of
the ways I acting out, how I treated the men I used, and how I was
treating myself. I was trapped in a vicious cycle.
Recovery came slowly, first in Al-Anon as I became conscious that I had
grown up in a family populated with addicts. I began to see that I, too,
was an addict. I felt less shame because I was not alone and the people in
the program accepted and loved me as I was recovering my history and
myself. I had taken a first step, I begun to let go of hiding. Twelve-step
recovery gave me a safe place to essentially become visible in the context
of others. Those early days in Al-Anon planted the seeds for my sexual
recovery and nurtured my fragile self-esteem. There were other gay men in
the Al-Anon rooms and I usually wanted to have sex with them because I
felt feelings of friendship towards them. I learned not to act on my
sexual feelings by talking about them and not forcing sex. Having a
feeling and not taking sexual action, not needing the other person in
order to feel whole, was extremely foreign to me. During this time I
continued to go to public restrooms and parks to prop up my ego or when I
had feelings. What changed was that I became aware of the pattern of my
behavior and took the risk to talk about it in meetings. Higher power
through the gentle support of people in An-anon, Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous eventually, over six-years, led me to SCA where I have worked on
my sobriety and self-esteem for the past nine years a day at a time.
I continue the slow process of developing self-esteem and breaking the sex
power/desirability cycle. My sponsor encourages and supports me making
“conscious” choices about how I want to express and meet my sexual needs.
He gently helps me become conscious about my sexual desires, needs and
motives. Gentle consciousness and willingness to make mistakes have
decreased the desperation I sometimes feel about not being good enough.
Over time my need to use men sexually to feel validated and complete has
become less. I am an addict and old patterns die hard, but I find the more
I can sit with what I feel and reach out to others, the better chance I
have to stay sober today. Because of the recovery process and the people
in SCA, I have been able to accept the low self-esteem I feel, turn it
over and realize feeling bad does not mean that I am bad. Recovery has
allowed me to take the risk to let other men and women have caring
feelings for me, and me for them. I am growing to love and accept myself,
which opens me to love and allows me to love others. It’s a slow process,
and all I have to do is show up a moment at a time and be willing to take
the next right step.
| Characteristic 6 |
We tried to bring
intensity and excitement into our lives through sex, but felt ourselves
growing steadily emptier.
I suppose, when I first became sexually active (sometime in college), sex
was pure fun, but it quickly became serious business. I couldn't relate to
people who were able to go out for a social evening, maybe even comment in
passing on physically attractive people they saw, then go home when it was
getting late, and go to bed. I was never so casual about sex; I would
ditch my friends early in the evening, claiming “I was tired”, so I could
devote myself entirely to cruising, without the distraction of having to
be sociable. For nearly ten years, I was basically satisfied with oral
sex. Then, after a painful break-up with a guy I was dating for a few
months, I discovered anal sex. My sexual behavior escalated quickly after
that: within a year, I was exploring SM (sadomasochism), engaging in
progressively kinkier activities. Each time I tried something new, it was
incredibly exciting, at least the first few times. But the novelty would
inevitably wear off, and I would have to try something even more extreme
to reach the point of oblivion that I craved so intensely. Like a drug
addict, I developed tolerance to sex, and I had to push the envelope to
get the same high. Whenever I tried to stop acting out (and I tried many
times over the years), I was always confronted by the same dismay: life
seemed unbearably dull without sex. I didn't dislike recovery; the fruits
of recovery for me, fellowship, career, nature, spirituality, love, even a
relationship, were pleasant enough and fulfilling at times. However, they
all seemed poor substitutes to what I was leaving behind. I didn't feel
truly alive unless I was in the throes of sex. Sometimes I seriously
fantasized about answering one of those “24/7” sex ads, so I could escape
completely and devote myself fully to sex for the rest of my life!
How have my attitudes changed in recovery? For one thing, I'm getting used
to the idea that sex doesn't have to be fireworks all the time, and that's
okay. I used to feel cheated if I didn't see stars every time I had sex.
Now, I'm in a relationship, and I'm learning that my partner and I go
through periods of greater and lesser sexual intensity; although at times
I still "get high" on sex, I realize that I don't need to panic if, at
other times, it seems more routine. Occasionally during sex, I even
experience feelings of real tenderness and intimacy, totally opposite from
the addictive rush that used to be the only point. I've also become a
little less rigid and serious about the whole thing. Sure, sex can be
intense and passionate; but it can also be playful and lighthearted.
Finally, I'm enriching my life with non-sexual pursuits, all those
activities listed on the "right-hand side of my Plan." I try to take real
pleasure in connecting with friends, connecting with my lover, connecting
with nature, not instead of sex, but in addition to it.
Recovery is about reclaiming the freedom to choose my sexual behavior,
instead of being driven by it. I used to think that SM was by its very
nature pathological, that I couldn't be sober unless I swore off kinky
sex. I feel the opposite way today. I don't claim to speak for anyone
else, but I have come to the conclusion that I need to accept all of who I
am, even, and perhaps especially, my interest in intense sexual
expression. Other programs I attempted to follow before SCA encouraged me
to deny my sexuality. Suppressing my urges never used to work, because
after being abstinent for a period through white- knuckling, sooner or
later I would erupt unpredictably in a frenzy of acting out. One of the
reasons why I love SCA is that it encourages me to celebrate my sexuality,
to bring sex back into the fold of the totality of my life. At the same
time, I would be kidding myself if I didn’t admit that I miss the old
days, when I could seemingly engage in all the sex I wanted with wild
abandon. Although I have filled my life with all sorts of wonderful
pursuits, I know that I will never find anything to compete with the
experience of acting out, in terms of sheer intensity and excitement. I
feel genuine grief over the loss of those days. I think it’s important to
acknowledge the grief, rather than pretend that I don't feel it. Getting
into recovery was like death and rebirth, the death of my old life and the
birth of my new one. It's natural to feel grief associated with the death
of my former life, even if I am replacing it with something better.
I think that living, for me, is ultimately about seeking a sense of
purpose, maybe even more than seeking happiness (since having a life that
feels purposeful leads to feeling happy). At a critical turning point in
my life, I had this horrible vision of acting out till I was too old,
weak, or sick to continue doing it, of reviewing my life from my deathbed,
regretting all the missed opportunities, realizing that my life had
amounted to nothing. I resolved that I didn't want to die that way, and my
resolution launched me into long-term sobriety. I still haven't found the
meaning of life, but I'm certain addictive sex is not part of it!
Exploring the paths to fulfillment is the exciting journey of recovery.
| Characteristic 7 |
Sex was
compartmentalized instead of integrated into our lives as a healthy
element.
Phideaux X (LA/NY)
Of all the characteristics, number seven is perhaps the one that awakened
me to the realization that I was sick. For all my protestations of
free-spirit love and sexual experimentation, I could no longer ignore the
fact that sex had become a nightly ritual of odd telephone masturbation
experiences and personal dares to keep anonymous dates setup through
internet or phone line. The sex was mapped out ahead of time, based on
fetish, body parts, and particular activities, with no sense of lovemaking
or even recognition that another human being was present. In recovery, I
realized that I was recreating the dynamics of my childhood molestation. I
would concoct situations where I, or the other person, was a purely sexual
object. The sex would be about “playing with the toy” that the other
person had become. Because of my childhood “incest” (which I define as
inappropriate sex between an authority adult and a minor), I
subconsciously approached many of my internet/phone encounters with a lot
of anger. The sex would be about returning to the scenario of my childhood
and acting out anger and rage at the perps. Whoever I found for sex would
be a hapless stand in for those figures from my past.
In these ways I compartmentalized sex in my life. No longer was sex about
intimate communication with another person; it was a ritual. My previous
sexual expressions (making love with someone I was dating, or having sex
with a cute partner I was intrigued with) stood in stark contrast to the
sex rituals I was committing with my computer/phone sex dates. Inside my
heart I hated these demoralizing encounters. I subjected myself to sex
with people I despised because it was no longer about attraction or
eroticism. I detached my mind so I could go through motions until I’d
completed the ritual and was thus released to return to my life.
In recovery, I’ve seen how certain guidelines can keep me in touch with my
sexual partner and myself so that my sex remains a connected collaboration
with another human being. I’ve been told to refrain from too many
fantasies and to stay in the moment. It’s even been suggested that I
invite God to participate in my encounters.
| Characteristic 8 |
We became
addicted to people, and were unable to distinguish among sex, love and
affection
Michael R (LA)
This is like a two part characteristic for me. The first part is easy for
me so see in myself: We became addicted to people. I can become hooked on
someone so quickly, I am unsure of what their name is, but I am convinced
that I will spend the rest of my life with what’s his name. Being addicted
to someone brings up a lot of codependency issues and I am not proud of
the amount of guys I have stalked or called relentlessly on the telephone
because I needed the fix. I wish I could say that these obsessions have
been lifted now that I have over three years on my plan, but it is
something I still struggle with. The difference today is that when I feel
like this I can make a choice to either act out my feelings of
disappointment or I can call a program friend and gain support to take the
high road, and stop taking out my feelings on others. In a sense, I can
choose whether I want my feelings to lash out at someone and seriously
compromise my serenity/sobriety. The decision seems obvious to a normy but
it is something I still struggle with.
The second part of this characteristic is a bit more tricky and subtle for
me. I have a big problem with distinguishing between sex, love, and
affection. After all those years of acting out my discernment has been
greatly impaired. These three things are so important and kind of blend
one into another, that it is hard to find the line that separates them. If
I am in love with someone, sex and affection are present as well that’s
pretty obvious. But most of my history has dealt with having sex with
someone and trying to find the love and affection when in fact, we were
just using each other. The tool of dating really helps me figure things
out before making a sexual decision. Recently, I met a guy online and we
clicked sexually and we met for coffee and I was very sexually interested
in him, but the more time we spent together I realized that we had nothing
in common other then what we liked to do sexually. After seeing him a
couple of times I could have had sex with him and it would have been okay
on my plan, but that’s not what I want in my new life of recovery. Using
people and being used is not tolerable for me anymore. So I ended the
dating or rather the appointments, prior to sex. This would not have been
possible without the support of the people in the program and an
understanding of the characteristics. Sex, love and affection are like the
legs of a stool, all three must be strong to support the weight of this
intimacy seeking addict.
| Characteristic 9 |
We searched for
some “magical” quality in others to make us feel complete. Other people
were idealized and endowed with a powerful symbolism, which often
disappeared after we had sex with them.
David D (Milwaukee)
For me, the key word of the Ninth Characteristic is “magical”. What is
this magical quality I search for in others? And I must say, I search for
this magical characteristic not only in sexual or romantic partners, but
in friends, co-workers, and family. And it doesn't disappear only after I
have had sex with someone; it disappears when I get to know someone beyond
a superficial level. I think that magical is the perfect word for this
quality, because magic is a practice that depends on illusion: the
magician doesn't make things disappear; he creates the illusion of making
something disappear. So much of my addiction is driven by illusion. The
more I am in my addiction, the less I see the world as it really is, and
the more I see the world as I want or hope it to be. The more I am in my
addiction, the less I see a potential lover or friend as he or she really
is, and the more I see them as a fabrication of my desires, an illusion.
My guess is that we all harbor images of the ideal lover, the ideal
friend. I know I do. And when I meet someone new, I imagine that he or she
will live up to this ideal; actually, as an addict, I don't even imagine I
know. I cast my new friend or lover in the role of my idealized image. And
it is only a matter of time before I, often painfully, see the disparity
between reality and my illusion.
I have heard other sex-romance addicts talk about The Chase, The Conquest.
They say that they are addicted to the process of acquiring a new lover,
and that when they have won the chase, they're bored and want to move on
to another chase, abandoning the person they've just “acquired”. I can't
help but feel that this chase is driven by illusion. I know for me it is.
Whether I see someone as an imaginary ideal or as some “trophy” to win, I
know I am not seeing this person as a human being. And the truth is that
he or she is a living, breathing human being, with flaws and gifts, and an
intricate, complex history. Once I’ve gotten to the point of having sex
with this person, I usually am forced to see that he or she doesn’t, and
in no way could, live up to my imaginary ideal. And like any good addict,
I often bail.
So how do I address this characteristic in myself? I work a comprehensive
recovery program, trying to use all the tools. Specifically, I know that
reaching out to fellow addicts and getting to know them as living,
breathing human beings is valuable for me. Hearing other addicts talk
openly and honestly about their lives at meetings is a powerful way for me
to see people as they really are, not as illusions. I also engage in Zen
Buddhist meditation, a practice that asks me to let my thoughts come and
go, recognizing that these thoughts are secretions of my own mind and not
necessarily reality. In any event, there is certainly no “quick fix”. My
recovery is a moment by moment process of nurturing a willingness to let
go of my illusions and see life as it really is.
| Characteristic 10 |
We were drawn to
people who were not available to us, or who reject or abuse us.
John F (NY)
My history is full of loss, abandonment and rejection, a story I hear over
and over again in the rooms of SCA. The pattern began early. My parents
were unavailable - my father a daily drinker, my mother focused on his
alcoholic behavior. My mother died when I was 9, leaving me feeling
terrified and alone with a crazy parent. The situation at home spiraled
quickly down, leaving me in a house with no adults, heat, phone or
electricity by the time I was 11.
When I discovered sex, all those problems seemed to vanish. Anonymity
provided its own cloak of safety. I didn't have to connect on any mental
or emotional level with these strangers. Real people were far too scary.
Even at school, where I developed a crush on another boy, I was terrified
of interacting with him in any real way. I carried on conversations with
him in my head, never face to face. Again, I felt safe.
But this sexual compulsion and romantic obsession took up more and more of
my time and energy. Eventually I was spending five or more hours every day
either looking for sex, having sex, or obsessing about sex or romance. It
got worse in college, where I went from straight A's to almost flunking
out.
After college I met a man and we immediately moved in together. I thought
having a lover would cure me; instead, this was the beginning of a 15-year
relationship that was characterized by verbal abuse, rejection and
unavailability. And I never stopped my sexual acting out with strangers.
Three weeks was the longest I ever went before “the trance” would take
over and I'd head for an acting-out place.
When I reached SCA at age 37, I had a deeply ingrained pattern of
attraction to people who were unavailable or who would reject or abuse me.
This pattern was one I could not change on my own, even when I became
aware of it.
Instead, I started going to meetings and working the Steps with a caring
sponsor. My relationship with my sponsor was the first I had experienced
in decades where I felt unconditional support. He was not available all
the time; he set limits, for instance, on when I could phone him. Yet when
he was available, he was fully present, a situation I found overwhelming
until I worked the first three Steps and accepted love into my life.
As I continued to work the Steps, I saw in Step Four how I had a role in
my relationships. I felt safe with people who were unavailable because
they would not abuse me. Rejection allowed me to feel angry, which I could
then turn inward and use to justify my acting out. Abusive relationships
were familiar; in fact, they were the basis of my family. All these
contributed to my addictive behavior, which in turn led to these types of
relationships. The vicious circle of addiction.
When I did my Fifth Step with my sponsor, I felt almost overwhelmed again
at the love and acceptance I experienced in return. I realized there was
still far to go, but now I was integrating a Higher Power into my life who
would guide me. Step Six gave me the willingness to proceed, and Step
Seven saw the gradual removal of my character defects, a miraculous
transformation of them into character strengths. And so it goes. I look
forward to additional work on Steps Eight through Twelve, which I believe
will allow me to further integrate the love of others outside SCA into my
life, and mine into theirs. These relationships are based on love and
giving, not addiction and selfishness.
Today I see the Characteristics in one way as the SCA Promises. The 10th
Characteristic says “we were drawn”, not “we are drawn”. Yes, it is true
that I was drawn to those people. And now, through the grace of my Higher
Power, on my good days I am no longer drawn to people who are unavailable
to me. I am no longer drawn to people who reject or abuse me. And on those
days when I am feeling down and still drawn to those people, I have the
gift of sobriety, which tells me that I no longer have to act on those
feelings.
| Characteristic 11 |
We feared
relationships, but continually searched for them. In a relationship we
feared abandonment and rejection, but out of one, we felt empty and
incomplete.
Aaron L (NY)
My first relationship was based on need and not love. I felt that my
partner would be the only person who would ever want me. My self-esteem
was nonexistent since I hadn't gotten sober yet and I searched desperately
for a relationship to cure that. But my desperation kept people away. The
first person that expressed an interest in me, I immediately jumped into a
relationship with him without stopping to think whether I even liked this
person, let alone whether I wanted to move in with him, which I did
several weeks after we met. Although I was aware of his destructive
neurosis and constant need for control, I dealt with it not through
communication, but through resentments, petty fights, and various other
means of destroying the relationship. This included infidelity and lying,
things that I feared most that he would do to me. Although I craved being
with someone, most of the time we were together I would be thinking about
ways to get away from him. Having an unfounded fear of being smothered has
stayed with me through most of my adult relationships.
After my first lover met someone that could give him more attention than I
could, he asked me to move out. This prompted a steady flow of serial
non-monogamy after I got sober from alcohol and my self-esteem was
regained. I learned that he wasn't the only person would be interested in
me. Then, it seemed like I had to find as many people as possible who
were. My ego had an insatiable appetite for gratification and attention
and I found myself constantly on the prowl. But what was I looking for;
sex, friendship, a relationship, or just attention? To this day, I often
can't differentiate between these things. I find that now, if I meet
someone with whom I enter into either a serious or casual relationship, I
can almost count the months before I'll want to end it and move on to
someone else as soon as things start to get difficult. But during those
first few months, I'm in constant fear of losing the person, thinking that
they will either: 1) find out something about me that they won’t like, 2)
that I'll say and do something that will upset them, or 3) that they’ll
realize that I'm just not good enough, because I don’t make enough money,
have the right kind of job, etc.
I used to feel completely alone if I wasn't dating someone. The hunt to
meet someone often would turn into a frenzy where my life priorities would
be out of wack. The instant gratification of a chance meeting with a
stranger might be exciting, but that thrill would wear off quickly. When I
substitute that for spending time with people who are important in my
life, that's when I feel lonelier than ever.
Now, I realize that sometimes when I'm feeling isolated, what doesn't help
me feel better is to prowl the streets in search of a romantic partner,
long-term or otherwise. Those times are when I especially need to spend
time with friends, work on career-oriented projects, or go to meetings.
These are where the opportunities to meet quality people
come into my life and are what keep me most fulfilled.
| Characteristic 12 |
While constantly
seeking intimacy with another person, we found that the desperate quality
of our need made true intimacy with anyone impossible, and we often
developed unhealthy dependency relationships that eventually became
unbearable.
David A-S (NY)
Five months ago I began to chat with a guy on line. Two months ago we
finally met. Our connection was so intense, so passionate, so mutual and
so complete it was hard to believe such a thing was possible. The sex we
had clocked in at 150% presence on both our parts. We knew exactly what
the other wanted and could give it completely unconditionally. For the
first time I felt no guilt, shame or remorse after sex. It was an utterly
fulfilling and transcendent experience. What was even more amazing was
that after sex we wanted to stay together, talk, go for a walk have a meal
together. This felt like everything I had always hoped a relationship
could be. What’s wrong with this picture?
In spite of the intense and total connection I felt, I still had my old
familiar feelings of impending eschatological loss and despair, every time
we separated. (“Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you”).
I would begin to think it was all over, that I just imagined what had
happened between us and that it couldn’t possibly go on at any rate.
Invariably, I got indications from him that nothing like that is going on
for him and that it is all just happening in my mind.
Fortunately I didn’t, (as I have in the past), bring these feelings of
desperate longing and inexplicable impending loss to him. I bring them to
my sponsor and to friends in the program who are able to see through my
historical feelings for me and bring me back into the present. They remind
me that my feelings are not facts, that there is no basis for my feelings,
given what happened between him and I, etc. Thank goodness, for these
other eyes, thoughts and feelings that come to me from my program friends.
With the help of my sponsor and my friends in program, I am able to have
these awful historical/hysterical feelings and not act on them. I can’t
stop the feelings but I can choose how I respond to them. One day at a
time, I am granted a reprieve from falling into the abyss of my desperate
dependency with my friends and sponsor acting as a net for me. Yes, I call
this the net gain of the Program! (Yes, I know….puke!).
There is no guarantee that this liaison will go anywhere beyond a few
months (in spite of the usual past life recalls, cosmic visions, very
favourable astrological compatibility castings, paintings, and sonnets
plotting the probable trajectory of this obviously meant- to-be union).
However, in spite of my hysterical feelings and my inclination to fall
apart here and there, I manage to continue to hold myself together and
function in a healthy way, almost as if I were not prone to debilitating
emotional arrest at any moment. While I am still inclined to fall into
unhealthy dependency relationships, I know now what steps to take to
extract myself from the unbearable parts so that I can have a relatively
sane and healthy experience. This is like being able to walk, when I had
previously experienced myself only ever able to move in a wheel chair. I
have a lot to be grateful for but nothing yet to be absolutely certain of.
Damn!
| Characteristic 13 |
Even when we got the love of another person, it never seemed enough, and we were unable to stop lusting after others.
Paul N (Milwaukee)
The thirteenth characteristic is one example of paradox in addiction and
recovery. The love that is often the goal of a sex addict is achieved. The
pink cloud or honeymoon phase begins. One day, six months, a year, how
long are we given? Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, the cracks begin
to grow. The sex addict can have many thoughts that are addictive and we
can use these thoughts to rationalize our behavior. Such as…is this love
truly “the one”, is it too soon to settle down, I bet he/she is looking
around. The big book of AA calls this the cunning, baffling and powerful
aspect of addiction. Triggers can seem to begin to heighten. Someone
smiles at you. A complement is paid. Or you just notice someone who has
that “look” that you search for. The paradox is that this can all happen
at the same time that we have intense feelings of love for our current
partner. These thoughts and feelings can co-exist in the same space. This
is not a question of lack of love or strength of commitment. This is
addiction. The conflict of our love for a current partner and a
lust/romance for a new partner can be immobilizing, depressing, and at
times cause the sex addict to question his/her sanity. Guilt and shame
even if the addict does not act on this lust is possible. I’ve heard this
described as “mental adultery”. The fantasy or sexualizing that can occur
in an addict’s mind while he/she is in a relationship. This can be as
damaging as physically act on their fantasies or urges. It removes him/her
from the moment and he/she lives in the mentally isolating world of
his/her addiction. Sometimes the sex addict may begin to resent his/her
current partner. He/she can begin to be angry and act irrational without
knowing it. A cycle of resenting the current partner for getting in the
way of new sexual conquests, and love and commitment to the current
partner as a salvation from addiction can begin. Both the resentment and
the yearning for salvation are examples of how the addict does not deal
with day to day experiences. If this cycle goes on, it can lead to
separation without either one knowing quite why it happened. SCA allows
the addict a safe place to share these thoughts with others who have been
through it or are in it. The addict is no longer alone with just his/her
thoughts. By staying honest with a sponsor or at meetings it is possible
for the cycle of resentment/salvation to be broken. Addicts need other
addicts to recover. Often these are the only people we can open up to
about our thoughts and actions. Because we know they understand on a
fundamental level where others, including at times our partners, do not.
Meditation and literature can also get us out of our thoughts and into a
more serene space, so we are more open to guidance from a power greater
than ourselves. Like most characteristics of sex addiction, there is a
chance this may never be fully lifted from the addict. The SCA program
helps us understand the paradox within the thirteenth characteristic, and
allows us the choice of staying in today and making the choices that lead
us to serenity.
| Characteristic 14 |
Trying to conceal our dependency demands, we grew more isolated from ourselves, from God and from the very people we longed to be close to.
Marc N (NY)
The attitude I have when I am active in my addiction is characterized by
quotes like: “I’m attracted to you, but I don’t need anybody”. “I am
single and looking, but I’m only used to perfection in others”. “ You may
think that I am interested in you and want to pursue a relationship, but
don’t give me any reason to reject you or I’m out the door faster than you
can say ‘intimacy issues”.
Then, I’m back in that lonely place, full of self-pity. Poor me. I’m such
a catch, why doesn’t anybody (that I like romantically) seem to recognize
it? Don’t they know that I’m a loving, caring person – capable of great
gentleness and compassion? If only other people were different, then I’d
be happy. I’m just a victim of the all the negative circumstances of my
life. God is the ultimate conspiracy theorist – placing these difficult
people and situations before me so I have to continue to suffer. And on
and on - the point being that this is the voice of my denial. It’s like an
old pair of jeans that fit so well I hate to give them up. But what option
do I have? I am not ready to admit that I’m powerless over the addiction.
I will do it my way.
But the yearning doesn’t go away. Well, if crumbs are all that I am
destined to get, then I will build my house on the incredible shrinking
foundation that an attitude of self-will offers. I will avoid the pain of
acknowledging my need for meaningful human contact and seduce men at the
gym or the park. When this isn’t enough, I can just pay for sex, and there
is always the escape into the world of pornography lying just next to my
bed. My big secret stash… no one need ever know…
And one day I get honest. I’m not really desperate, but I’m acting like I
am. I see myself chasing some elusive idea of happiness – begging for love
that’s continually out of reach. What about me, I don’t want to be left
behind! I have all the material things that are supposed to make me happy.
But I can’t control people to love me. I’m tired of manipulating men
through sex and then rejecting them because I can’t believe that they
really care about me. Or I believe they will hurt me if I let them get too
close. My insides are in turmoil and certainly don’t match my outside.
Worst of all, I can’t control my own compulsive behavior. I have hit a
bottom.
I have become willing to explore another way. It a big jump for my
recovery when I go to a meeting and feel human enough to share. Just maybe
this is a safe place where people will accept me and won’t judge me. I can
be vulnerable to the room because I hear others doing it. At first, I have
to avoid direct eye contact and leave right after the Serenity Prayer.
But, eventually I can rely on this fellowship, and even later I can feel
better just knowing that I’m on my way to a meeting that I attend
regularly. In the circle of SCA, I’m known and acknowledged. I am going to
be okay. I am strong enough to look inward, to ask for help. I can be the
parent I never had, I can hold myself through the loneliness and despair
during withdrawal from the addiction. I am able to accept the reassurances
of others. I am ready to start acting from a place of hope.
| The Characteristics, What Comes Next |
Through the concepts of the Program and the guidance
of our Higher Power, we've been able to let go of the more serious aspects
of our addiction, being in places or with people that reinforced our
addiction; debasing ourselves with activities which only added to the
shame that had been imposed upon us in our earlier years; equating sex,
anonymous or otherwise, with intimacy while being terrified when any sign
of true intimacy came on the scene. Yes, we now have a pretty good handle
on these things and we've gotten at least some feeling of what recovery
is.
But for many of us, there's an "emptiness" left. There's still something
missing in our lives. For many of us, sexual fantasies still loom heavily
in our minds far too often for our own good. We might not actually be
engaging in sexual activities which are harmful for us, but we're sure
thinking about them. For many of us that might be thinking about the "old
days" of our acting out and embellishing those episodes with "hot stuff we
could have done" to make them all the more exciting. Or we might fixate on
those great legs that this guy at the gym has; or the way that number
walks and carries himself...
For some of us, true intimacy, being vulnerable, feeling and acknowledging
our real feelings and talking about them, as well as physical closeness
without sex, has manifested from time to time and we feel horribly
uncomfortable with it. So uncomfortable at times that we might totally
shut it out, freeze up to "defend ourselves" from it; push ourselves away
from it. And sex loving, intimate sex with someone we know well and have
deep feelings for - many of us don't even have a clue of what that might
be. We've read books and seen movies about "romantic" sex, but somehow we
can't see that happening with us. In fact, many of us fear any kind of
sex, except perhaps sex with ourselves and our fantasies, for fear of
going back to our acting out patterns, or for fear of what is UNKNOWN to
us.
So, we've stopped acting out; we're into "recovery", yet there's this void
that we can't seem to fill. We are certainly sexual beings, God gave us
that attribute and we have every right to have it, but somehow that got so
screwed up in our lives that healthy sexuality doesn't seem to compute for
us. We keep going to our meetings and hear our brothers and sisters
expressing many of these same feelings, or perhaps relating how they've
slipped, or maybe talking about having intimate sexual experiences which
later turned sour out of fear or for whatever reason. And, occasionally,
we hear a warm story of a member actually accomplishing an intimate, happy
life with another being which includes sex as an integrated element rather
than a debilitating addictive fixation or obsession.
But so many of us are still stuck, or so it seems and feels. There are
times when we wonder if we'd be better off going back to our old patterns.
Yet we know deep down that we can't do that and live; that voice inside
each of us that we've learned to listen to keeps telling us that and we
can no longer stifle it as we used to. Some of us try to reconcile
celibacy with our lives, but that horniness keeps coming through, whether
it's our God-given sexuality or our addiction, and we're not so sure that
would work either, and it certainly doesn't sound like much fun. So now
what?
The “now what” is going to be different for each one of us, and there's no
cook book answer available. We seem to sense that we just can't sit back
and let God, our Higher Power, do it for us, without much effort on our
part. Things just don't work that way. We're going to have to work and
work hard and it will take time, a lot of it; something a compulsive has a
hard time dealing with, and a lot of effort. But work on, or at, or with
what? In what way?
The Program and therapy and books and church and all that are certainly
helpful in trying to sort out all this, but they can only go so far. The
answer seems to lie in that Presence, or Being, or Power that many call
God, however we and they might understand God. That Presence is always
with us, whether we acknowledge It or not, ready to guide us to the
choices that are healthy for us. It's up to us to sort these choices out
and surrender to and follow that guidance, or go on our own way bumbling
at times, hopefully learning from each mistake we might make. Somehow we
know deep inside that, as we slowly let go of our own egos and let
ourselves listen to that Presence, we will be making the "right" choices
for ourselves and get ourselves back on the path to a rich, loving,
serene, abundant life, including a healthy sexuality.
Nebulous? Yes! Absolutely! But that's the way things seem to work. We've
tried it our way, and we all know how that turned out. Now it may just be
the right time to try God's way. Let's give it a try. The only thing we
have to lose is our misery.
| SCA RADIO PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT |
SCA Radio PSA kits are now available. The kit
contains a pre-recorded audio tape and script for a 30-second and a
60-second radio spot about sexual compulsion and how to get in touch with
SCA. A step by step instruction sheet on getting the spots aired by local
stations is included with each kit. This sheet also explains how to alert
the 800-number volunteers of any additional information you might want to
have passed on to people seeking help in your area. The kits cost $12 for
the first and $10 for each additional kit. Order a kit for each station
you hope to have air the spots. Make checks payable to:
SCA/ISO Literature PO Box 1089 Milwaukee WI 53201-1089
| The SCAnner is YOUR Newsletter |
The SCAnner is published twice a year (in the summer
and in the winter), by ISO, the International Service Organization of SCA.
It is meant to serve as a forum for SCA members, who want to share their
experience, strength and hope with other members, particularly those who
may be isolated and can not reach a meeting easily or regularly. Your
contributions and comments are greatly encouraged, and always sincerely
invited. Please send your contributions to:
The SCAnner c/o SCA NY PO Box 1585
Old Chelsea Station New York NY 10011
The opinions expressed in the SCAnner are those of the individuals who
gave them and do not
necessarily reflect the opinions of SCA as a whole.
SCAnner Subscriptions
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